Our second daughter was born at home. From her very first night until she decided to move into her sister’s room at nineteen months, she slept in-between my husband and me. When she was a newborn and her sister was a toddler, being able to simply reach over and pull her close to nurse was a huge blessing. We’d tried bed-sharing with our eldest daughter, Sophie. I had desperately wanted to be a mom who shared my bed with my babies; interestingly enough, Sophie slept so much better in her own bed starting around 8 months old. She has a very sensitive nervous system, so the slightest bit of bed shifting due to my husband or myself would wake her. Not KC (our youngest)! She loved nursing and she loved snuggling. Bed-sharing with her was what was best for our whole family. Thankfully, I live in a very holistic world: my patients are usually big supporters of attached parenting, as are most of my friends. We have also slowly won over our extended family or at least, they no longer shame us for our choices. I know this isn’t the case for everyone. So I wanted to write a quick post on bed-sharing for any of you moms out there that need a little extra support or are considering adapting new sleep habits for your family or for you new moms trying to navigate this crazy parenting world!

First and foremost: do your research AND trust your mothering intuition.

A couple things on the research- there are new actual studies coming out supporting what I believe a lot of us know intuitively: bed-sharing, a form of co-sleeping, can be very beneficial for both mom and baby (and perhaps even dad?)! Go figure right? Just because lights are turned off doesn’t mean our children stop needing us…Okay won’t go down that rabbit hole. However, seriously, do your research. Check out the link at the bottom of the post for a great place to start. But basically, don’t co-sleep OR bed-share in unsafe environments and/or if you or your partner take medication, consume alcohol, do drugs etc. Huge pointer here too: you and your partner have to be on the same page about co-sleeping. Period. Sorry. If you can’t get on the same page, then WHOMEVER is actually sleeping with the baby needs to be the one that supports bed-sharing obviously right?

Okay, mother’s intuition and other benefits! Like I stated above, bed-sharing can be SO beneficial for nursing: for ease, for helping maintain your supply, for keeping baby’s weight and immune system going strong. Being in close proximity to our children, especially newborns, helps regulate our hormones, especially during that postpartum period. I found I felt much more rested not having to get out of bed, even if my infant daughter woke up multiple times- which every mother wants, especially one who has a toddler running around. Co-sleeping helped my husband bond to our youngest with greater ease. He would cuddle her to sleep when she got a little older and was teething- you know, those times you really need a break from the constant nursing? We might all wake up tired but there was no resentment between any of us- let that sit for a moment… Also, as someone with high anxiety, I worry relentlessly about my kids, having them there in bed with me helped me be able to wake, check on them, and roll over to fall back asleep.

OKAY, biggest benefit I can possibly think of: bed-sharing helps regulate your child’s nervous system. They will sleep in a true state of peace, not just a ‘freeze state’ which unfortunately for some, NOT ALL, children who are put through “sleep training” experience. If a child cries for a decent amount of time without being attended to, having released massive amounts of cortisol while crying, he or she will eventually stop. However, the cortisol is still in that baby’s system! That kid is still in a stressed out state- something we refer to as your ‘sympathetic nervous system’ or better know as your ‘fight, flight or FREEZE’ state. A child who is within arm reach of a caregiver is much less likely to be stuck in this sympathetic state, which will lead to overall better health in the long run.

A couple random things I’d recommend from our experiences:

1. I had to respect my first daughter was not a great bed-sharer, she still isn’t but her dad will go lie in her bed with her if she has a nightmare. Her needs have always been met at night thus keeping her out a sympathetic dominant state. So don’t force kids to co-sleep, for some, it really may not be best.
2. When our kiddos were newborns we put them swaddled, on their backs, on raised little baby mattresses in the middle of our bed. EVEN THOUGH my husband and I are very light sleepers, it helped us to know there was a safe barrier between us and the infant.
3. As attached, holistic parents, we want our kids to know we are ALWAYS THERE. This means at night too! But be sure you’re getting your sleep or rest to an extent too, YOUR well-being is important as well. Ask for help if you need it and find balance when it comes to doing what’s best for you and what’s best for your baby.
4. Talking to (& laughing with) other parents who co-sleep has helped keep me sane. We share the silly and sometimes downright obnoxious habits of co-sleeping families (usually over a cup of coffee!!).
5. There will be good nights and there will be bad nights- remember that.
6. Use your parenting intuition. No one knows your kids as well as you do.
7. Our society “norms” are by no means perfect. Just because it’s what you see on TV, social media or hear from a friend, doesn’t mean it’s biologically or inherently right for YOU.

I want to end on this note: there are always exceptions. I do not know your story or why you’ve chosen the sleep habits you have for your family. I am not trying to shame anyone, I just want moms to know they have options and can trust their intuition. That’s honestly the number one best thing you can do for your child.

Check out the site below for a great research article:

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